As you may have already heard, my father died unexpectedly of a pulmonary embolism.
One minute I was enjoying a beautiful moment with my family on a vacation, and the next I was told he was gone. The next day I was on a plane flying home to reckon with my new reality.
I can't even begin to describe how earth-shattering this was for me. I'm a very emotional and sensitive person. I have always felt everything so deeply.
When I love someone, I love them hard and forever.
The sudden loss of my father has been absolutely tragic for me. I've been on a rollercoaster of every emotion known to man.
One second I'm calm and composed and the next I'm a crying wreck. I go from being raw one moment, to being numb, to getting into the "fine I need to get things done" mode.
Then, just when I feel like life is getting back to a sort of "normal" flow, I wonder "How can life possibly go on? How am I going to survive this?"
I caught myself feeling guilty when I laughed at something silly my kids did. Before I knew it, a voice in my mind told me that I'm not allowed to be happy right now. But, then it dawned on me that my dad would want me to enjoy the beautiful moments that are occurring in the now.
That's what my dad would want. He was so full of joy, happy, positive, and fun. Everyone he connected with adored him. He was the life of the party and people were naturally drawn to him.
If my dad were still here, I know he would want me to continue being my light, happy self.
Just like he was.
He would also encourage me to grieve, cry, and feel everything I need and want to feel.
Dad was so sensitive to my emotions from the moment I was born. He wanted me to be exactly who I am and inspired me to be authentic.
Dad's willingness to let me be me was one of the greatest gifts he could ever offer. It was a testament to how selfless and loving he was.
So, today I decided I'm going to let myself allow it all — the happy, sad, joy, anger, pain, hurt, numbness, and everything in between.
I know this is a part of my grieving process and exactly where I need to be.